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The minivan Grinch

And then, as he stood there, he got an idea, The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

  • The Grinch

Every Sport

In the Sport-house

Liked Christmas a lot…

But the Grinch

Who lived near the Sport-house

Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas!

The whole Christmas season!

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

But if I’m to guess, the most likely of all

May be that his minivan was two sizes too small.

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Sports

Staring out from his garage and cursing the courts

That gave them the licence to drive and have fun

When their cars should be outlawed, like owning a gun.

They’d drive with the top down, they’d park with their songs,

They’d speed and waste gas, racing hammer and tongs

To get nowhere special, the Sport girls and boys,

Just revving the engines of their pointless road toys.

And then! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

That’s one thing he hated! The noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

Cars should be quiet. Cars should be slow.

Cars should be parked until ready to go

To the mall, or the dump, or the railway station.

Cars should not offer a single sensation

Of pleasure or happiness, excitement or pride.

Cars should be left in a garage to hide

Until needed for transport. Not a thing more.

All the Grinch ever did was drive his to the store.

It was not even a car. Not even a truck.

Not even a motorbike – no such luck.

It was a minivan stripper, untidy inside.

No radio, leather, or tires too wide.

He’d once bought an air freshener, but that was all,

For the van that was really two sizes too small.

He stared at the Sports as they drove back and forth

Getting ready for Christmas through snow from the north.

Their driveway was cleared with salt and with sand.

The Grinch leaned on his shovel, ice scraper in hand.

And then, as he stood there, he got an idea!

The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know what to do – it’ll be quite a hoot!”

And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a suit.

And he chuckled and chuckled. “What a great Grinchy heist!

To make sure their Christmas stays stalled at the lights!”

But he needed a helper – a helper with fleas

Who could sneak in the darkness and sniff out some keys.

Max looked up squinting. He hated cars too.

He never could catch them, whatever he’d do.

The Sports would drive by and he ran and he ran

But all he could catch was the Grinch’s old van.

That night, they crept over to the Sports’ new garage

(Which seemed to the Grinch to be really too large).

The door slid up smoothly without needing a key.

The Sports thought their neighbours were honest, you see.

The windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.

The Sports were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.

Dreams of the top down in summer to come.

Seat heaters in winter, for a nice toasty bum.

The Grinch looked around and he saw the Sports’ cars,

But to him, they might just as well all be from Mars.

A Mustang, a Cayenne, a little MG –

“Why bother?” he thought. “The point I can’t see.”

He snuck into the house, Max still at his side.

The tree was lit up in the main room with pride.

And under the tree! The gifts that were there!

Max started to sniff. The Grinch stopped to stare.

There were models and gadgets and radio stuff;

Wax polishers even, to give a good buff.

Subscriptions to Wheels and Top Gear and Car.

And at the top of the tree, hanging down from the star,

A freshener, scented, to give off a pong.

“That’s coming off first – that’ll quiet their song,”

Said the Grinch and reached upwards, his mouth in a leer,

When a voice said behind him, “What are you doing here?”

Little Cindy-Lou Sport from her bed had arose

And come into the room to see, stretched on his toes,

The Grinch! In her house! Reaching up very far!

Taking the freshener that hung from the star.

But you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so cruel

He thought up a lie that was certain to fool.

“Why, I’m taking this home to my workshop, my child.

The scent it gives off is really too mild.

I’ll fix it up there and I’ll bring it back quick.

Surely you trust me? I’m jolly Saint Nick!”

The fib fooled the girl and she turned back for bed.

And the Grinch grabbed the gifts and, to Max, he said,

“Now find me the keys to those fancy Sports’ cars.

We’ve got to get out of here – out of here fast!”

The keys were found quickly. The gifts, they were stuck

In the back of the Cayenne, as huge as a truck.

Then a large bag of sugar he emptied with care

In the tank of the Mustang and the MG parked there.

“Now let’s drive away in this big SUV.

Come on Max! Let’s do it! Let’s get away free!”

He stepped on the gas, the Porsche leapt with its load.

He twisted the wheel, the tires gripped on the road.

Hundreds of horsepower took hold of his heart.

“You know,” said the Grinch – “This car’s pretty smart!”

They roared down the highway, seat heaters aglow.

“You know,” said the Grinch – “this car’s got some go!”

Max had his head through the window wide open,

His tongue lolling low, his mind just a hopin’

The Grinch would appreciate feeling so pinned

Back in the driver’s seat, dog in the wind.

It was a new thing, this sensation of power.

Such control of the speed made him feel less dour.

He drove without worry, he drove without care.

He slowed down past bus stops so people would stare

At his Porsche and his dog and his trunkload of gifts.

He stomped on the gas. He mastered the shifts.

He stared at the speedo.

The Grinch popped his eyes!

Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

It was faster than anything he’d ever known.

And he loved it! He loved it!

He started to moan.

“What did I do, Max, to Cindy-Lucille?

I lied to her! Lied! To get at the wheel

Of this fabulous car that makes driving a cinch.

Why ever did I become such an old Grinch?

What happened then?

Well, in the Sport-house they say

That the Grinch’s small van

Grew three sizes that day.

He drove back to the Sports and returned all the gifts.

Cleaned out all the sugar with filtering sifts.

Then went straight to a dealer and plunked down the cash

For a sport van, fully loaded, with plenty of dash.

Now he drives around town with his dog at his side,

Dragging kids from the lights with nothing to hide.

And there from the mirror, all shiny and new

An air freshener he was given, by young Cindy-Lou.

For these wheels had made her his number one fan

And he…

… HE HIMSELF …

Fell in love with his van.


wheels@thestar.ca;

mrichardson@thestar.ca

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