What every car needs: a chainsaw

Lorraine Sommerfeld

COLUMNIST

As I drive one car, I tend to keep a mental list of all the things I will make sure I get in the next car.

What usually happens is I gasp at the cost of all these things I think I need, and end up buying something just as lacking as the last one.

Auto manufacturers have secret meetings with the TV cable people, and they work late into the night deciding on ludicrous packages to offer to customers to make sure their viewing, and driving, pleasure is a brilliant combination of costly and useless.

"Let's get the nature channel that has Shark Week," someone in my household will suggest.

"Well, if I read this right, to get Shark Week we have to take Hannah Montana," I reply.

"Perhaps we can feed Hannah Montana to a shark. Now, that'd be a great show," said someone who shall remain nameless. All shows named are ferinstances. No teen idols are going to be fed to monsters of the deep.

The combinations and permutations with vehicles feel the same. After realizing how much I like the slidey door on one van I had, I'd hoped to get two on the next one. Two slidey doors only came in a package that cost about $2,400 more at the time, and all the other additions were pretties: fancy wheel covers, trim packages and the like.

I'm about the function.

"Well, can I get the left door to be the slidey one instead of the right?" I asked.

"No."

I wish Burger King sold cable TV and cars.

I have, however, decided on an option for my car that I can add right now. I'm going to start traveling with a chainsaw.

Every time I'm at an intersection where a big bush, shrub, tree or new plug of three metre fancy grass is blocking a clear view of oncoming traffic, I am going to hop out, grab my chainsaw and make it safe.

Your landscaping is lovely, really, but if I have to pull into the crosswalk, even after I've done the whole creeping thing three times, and I still can't see around your fabulous foliage, the roadway is not safe. Not only can I not see pedestrians attempting to cross, I can't see traffic coming from either direction. And now that it gets dark out before Oprah comes on, it's even worse.

There are zoning laws in every jurisdiction that prevent buildings and fences and trees from being too close to the road and obstructing sightlines. But when that cute little shrub you planted three falls ago has grown five-fold, you need to take another look at it from the street, and not just your porch.

There are definite laws in place about windows in a vehicle being unobstructed. That GPS unit you have that sits above your dash? Nope. Those fuzzy dice, dream catchers, garters, Mardi Gras beads and baby shoes swinging from your rear-view mirror? Nope. Windows are to see through, not declare where you've been, what you've done, or that you're protected from evil spirits.

I remain baffled by consumers who revel in owning all the latest in airbag technology and the finest braking systems, who then plunk a box of Kleenex in their back window and a GPS in the centre of their field of vision.

We need to be able to see each other, which means no obstructions inside the windows. And if I can't safely enter an intersection because of obstructions outside my window, I'll be looking for a new option on my next vehicle: a chainsaw holder.

Lorraine Sommerfeld's column appears Saturdays in Wheels and Mondays in the Star's Living section

www.lorraineonline.ca

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