Drunk-driving stars should do perp walk

Linda McAvoy

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, again, having quickly checked herself in after being arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence.

And Paris Hilton is reportedly "emotionally distraught and traumatized" over her impending 45-day jail sentence, ordered after she violated the terms of her probation for an earlier alcohol-related reckless driving charge.

At least when TV carpenter Ty Pennington was arrested recently for drunk driving, he acknowledged an "error in judgment" and issued an apology.

Likewise, while pleading guilty to driving while unfit due to drug use, singer George Michael did, for what it was worth, declare that he was "very ashamed."

Truth be told, these days shame doesn't play a big part in celebrity-DUI arrests. And why should it, since the arrests seem to have little effect on a star's bankability.

Impaired driving should be viewed for what it is: life-endangering behaviour, a stupid needless crime, and a very big deal.

But try convincing your 16-year old it's such a big deal after his favourite hockey player (Ian White), defensive end (Jared Allen), musician (Black Eyed Peas' Taboo) and actresses (Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros of Lost, separately on the same day) have all been arrested for drunk driving.

But what if other celebrities spoke up, using their influence to promote sober driving? You mean you haven't heard of RADD? Okay, neither had I until I dug deep in the Internet. Recording Artists, Actors & Athletes Against Drunk Driving is "an internationally recognized non-profit organization ... the voice of the entertainment industry on road safety."

Noble idea. Trouble is, when you check out the famous folks on the site's video, up pops, of all people, David Hasselhoff, followed by rapper Eve who, you guessed it, was arrested for investigation of driving under the influence after she crashed her Maserati last month.

Face it, celebrity endorsements for sober driving pale in comparison to live video coverage of yet another inebriated star's arrest.

Perhaps it's time to start coming down hard on celebrities. Make it so shameful, so reprehensible, that the arrests would become the exception to the "There's no such thing as bad publicity" rule.

Perhaps at the next star-studded awards ceremony all DUI-celebrities should be forced to arrive on a federal prisoner transport bus.

After being perp-walked en masse down the red carpet, each DUI-disgraced star would be greeted by Joan Rivers (a punishment in itself) chirping: "Who are you wearing?" At which point, they'd be obliged to offer up a glance of the electronic bracelet strapped to their Gucci-draped leg and state in an embarrassed voice: "S.C.R.A.M."

Which, as actor Tracey Morgan can attest, stands for "Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring," a very unfashionable ankle bracelet that tests one's skin for alcohol vapours every 30 minutes.

There would be other career sanctions: no prison cell press conferences and no post-release talk show appearances, with all lead roles, endorsement contracts and award nominations declared null and void for the length of one's probation order.

With no preferential treatment, community service would be hands-on menial labour as opposed to a publicity event.

Loath to be caught impaired behind the wheel, celebrities would form S.P.E.C.I.A.L (Stop Public Embarrassment, Crawl Into A Limo) which would have the unfortunate consequence of spawning another celebrity news report.

Linda McAvoy can be reached at

linda@mcavoy.ca

More videos from Wheels.ca and our partners