Scrolling the insults

Linda McAvoy

There's a new weapon on the roads, and motorists can snag one at their local hardware store.

For a fistful of Canadian Tire money (or a mere $39.99 worth of that other Canadian currency) drivers can arm themselves with a scrolling digital LED licence plate frame.

For those of you still resorting to primitive forms of digital and verbal communication let me explain: this high-tech device hooks up to a car's electrical system and stores your personal messages – then scrolls them in red illuminated letters across a display screen on your licence plate holder.

Now tell the truth; didn't dozens of potential messages just run through your mind – none of them polite salutations to fellow motorists?

Certainly the ads for these mini scrolling signboards would have you believe they're innocent little gadgets perfect for dispensing friendly greetings ("Nice car Dude!") and helpful suggestions ("Turn off your blinker.").

But given the reality that is our roadways, we all know exactly what direction these messages are going to take. (Dude, take your blinkin' car and ....')

Yes, road ragers now have a new weapon in their arsenal and it comes with a handy dandy remote control, perfect for changing the message whenever the mood, or idiot in the next lane, strikes you.

The self-expression possibilities are endless, especially since the built-in memory in one model is capable of storing up to five phrases, each 250 characters long.

Whether you choose to advertise your business or tell others to mind their business, it's probably best to keep your messages short; otherwise drivers' lips will be the only thing moving as everyone slows to read your scrolling screen.

For those concerned with tailgaters riding so far up their bumper they won't be able to see the message, rest assured there is another system that sits up nice and high on the back deck of a car's rear window.

But be advised Section 62, subsection 14, of the Highway Traffic Act of Ontario says no person shall use a lamp, other than four-way flashers, that produces intermittent flashes of red light.

Likewise, one should be aware that fiddling with that remote control could technically qualify as driving "without due care and attention."

Given that in Ontario vanity plates can be rejected by a review committee for objectionable content, it's surely only a matter of time before the statutes are amended and police start confiscating remote controls and handing out tickets for derogatory vehicular messages.

Incidentally, if you see a certain Jeep TJ sporting one of these things, please know I had nothing to do with it.

Apparently a scrolling digital licence plate frame is someone's idea of a nifty gift to give a guy who's turning 50; an age one can only hope comes with enough maturity to mean that the signs my husband chooses to flash on that thing say nothing more innocuous than "Sweet Jeep."

Linda McAvoy can be reached at

linda@mcavoy.ca

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